Remembering Bernie Madoff: His Character Was Provable on the Golf Course
Bernie Madoff, the Ponzi schemer who died in prison today while serving a 150-year sentence, provided great wealth for my blog, Re:Balance, if not to the broad array of credulous customers from all levels of society, from whom he extracted over $17 billion. One of my favorites, from March 27, 2009, is re-offered here in […]
Happy 50th Birthday to Walking KPMG Billboard, Phil Mickelson!
Everyone’s favorite blue-KPMG-hat-wearing, non-U.S.-Open-winning, left-handed duffer is turning the big 5-0 today. And the honorary Klynveldian was appreciative of the birthday wishes from the Mothership. Thank you @KPMG for the many years of support. I’m 50, time has flown by and I’ve loved every second of it! https://t.co/WMV8XYSRmO — Phil Mickelson (@PhilMickelson) June 16, 2020 […]
RSM’s Golf Tournament Is Being Upstaged By a Huge Capsized Cargo Ship
The RSM Classic, also known as “Joe Adams’ Annual Schmoozefest,” is going on right now at Sea Island Golf Club in Georgia. And unless you work for RSM, the saying “saving the best for last” doesn’t apply to this tournament, the finale of the 2019 PGA Tour season. Only one golfer in the top 20 […]
KPMG CEO Lynne Doughtie Knows Your Golf Game Sucks
Here’s another insufferable profile of a Big 4 executive that we dutifully read on your behalf. This one features KPMG CEO Lynne Doughtie and, sure, go ahead and read it if you have nothing better to do. She has a nice story; believe it or not, she “loved being an auditor”; she wanted to become […]
Would You Rather: Volunteer at the KPMG Women’s PGA Championship or Work at KPMG?
At first glance, the headline may sound like a silly question but hear me out! Deadspin’s Samer Kalaf pointed out that volunteers for the KPMG Women’s PGA Championship must pay $130 for the privilege for whatever it is volunteers at a major golf tournament do. Here are the details from the tournament website: If you […]
CohnReznick’s Golf Event Won’t Solve Gender Inequality
Last month, top 10 CPA firm CohnReznick hosted a golfing event for women executives. The idea was “to get [women] more accustomed to a common way to do business among generations of male executives.” Because so much business in professional services takes place on the golf course, our goal is to get more women exposed […]
Confirmed: Golf More Difficult Than CPA Exam
Lots of accountants like golf. Well, sorta. Judging by some of the behavior I've witnessed, the opposite seems true. Whenever I see a club slammed into the ground and then flying into the trees, I think, "Why is this otherwise mild-mannered person flipping the fuck out?" Golf makes people crazy. It is known. Anyway, […]
KPMG Plans to Stand By Their Man Phil Mickelson
Our buddy and fellow accounting enthusiast Michael Rapoport shared the good news via Wall Street Journal last night: KPMG LLP indicated Monday it continues to support golfer Phil Mickelson, with whom the accounting firm has a long-running sponsorship agreement. In a statement, KPMG said, “We have had a very strong relationship with Phil for a […]
Golf and Less Government Busybodying Could Have Saved Andersen, Says Former Andersen Partner
Larry Katzen knows Arthur Andersen, he spent more time working there than I have spent on this mortal Earth. He's written a memoir of his time at Andersen called And You Thought Accountants Were Boring (who said that!?) and tells the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review that the government should have just stayed out of the whole thing: […]
Lessons From L’affaire Scott London: Don’t Talk About Your Clients While Quoting Caddyshack
I love Peter Henning's suggestion that ex-KPMG partner Scott London was swapping Caddyshack quotes with his golfing buddy. Everyone having few drinks after playing a round inevitably sees someone walk by with a hideous headpiece and says, "When you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup." I think it's a law in Florida that you have to recite that line.
Does Being a Good Golfer Give You a Better Chance at Partner or CFO?
Welcome to the East Coast Earthquake edition of Help! My Accounting Career Is Doomed! In today’s edition, a young auditor is curious how much of an advantage a good golf game will give you on the road to partner/CFO. Not honed soft skills. Not a preternatural talent for Microsoft Excel. A laser-straight drive and wicked short game.
Are you one of those bounders? Looking to come up some ambitious career goals? Skeptical of your co-worker’s charm? Email us at [email protected] and we’ll put together a quick psych profile.
Back to our young duffer:
Konnichiwa,
I am a first year audit employee for a large accounting firm. My question is this; how much does your golf game factor into your ascent to partner, or perhaps ascent to CFO after jumping ship to a private company? Thank you.
Sincerely,
Not Tiger Woods
Dear NTW,
I’ll try to articulate my thoughts on golf as succinctly as possible for you: IT’S STUPID. The clothes are stupid (it’s double stupid that people can wear an outfit to work that also functions as a golf outfit). The rules are stupid. The announcers are stupid. The fact that you even have to ask this question is stupid because it just goes to show how shallow the accounting industry can be. “You’re a scratch handicap? Great! We’ve got some WASPy clients that value someone who knows their way around a double-dog leg par 5.” STUPID.
But back to your question – how much does exceptional short game combined with dazzling iron play factor in putting you on the fast track to partner? Simply put: Zero. Zero times Zero. Zero cubed. ZERO FUCKING INFINITY. On the scale of importance, your golf game ranks far below your ability to actually do something productive and far, far below your personal hygiene. Will it function as a nice ice-breaker with your senior/manager/partner who is also interested in what Davis Love III shot over the weekend? Possibly but will they think, “Ol’ Joe has some game, let’s promote him!”? HELL NO. If that does happen at your firm, then you work for shallow assholes. I’ve seen above-average employees with exceptional golf games get passed over for promotion. I’ve seen above-average employees with exceptional golf games get laid off. IT. DOES. NOT. MATTER. if you can shoot in the 60s on a regular basis. Plus, what the hell are you doing at an accounting firm if you can shoot scores like that?
How golf became one of those things that “makes a difference” is beyond me but it has sure fooled a lot of people. In reality, golf is one of those things that accounting professionals think will give them a leg up on the guy who prefers to practice Brazilian Jiu Jitsu but in reality that guy is WAY SMARTER than you and, believe it or not, that still counts for something.
Happy Birthday Phil Mickelson!
His Leftyness turns 41 today, as one of the favorites of the U.S. Open and of course he’ll be rocking the KPMG lid. As fans of the links know, Phil seems to come apart at the seams at the Open, not unlike certain KPMG audits. Will this year be different?
Who knows! What we do know that today is Fill’s day of birth and we send him best wishes and best of luck in the Open. Wouldn’t that be a great send off for Tim Flynn? Not that Mick needs the added pressure.
Anyway, as is (what we imagine to be) tradition for the major tournaments, T Fly and John Veihmeyer are holed up in the executive conference room watching the tournament as the rest of you are probably trying to make heads or tails of the Next Level training.
ANYWAY, leave Phil some well wishes in the comments. Don’t worry, we won’t make mention of this again, unless something hat-related occurs.
Confidential to KPMG: If Phil Mickelson Wins the PGA Championship, Don’t Send Him Omaha Steaks
[caption id="attachment_15841" align="alignright" width="260" caption="Not thinking about Five Guys...Not thinking about Five Guys...Not thinking about Five Guys"]
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As we briefly mentioned this morning, KPMG Poster Boy Phil Mickelson is only about 90% for this week’s PGA Championship because he’s been suffering from psoriatic arthritis for the last two months.
While this may have hampered his game in the last couple of tournaments, there’s been a far more serious development. Phil has gone vegetarian.
We can only imagine what kind of frenzy this development this has sent the KPMG Phil-handlers into. There’s no doubt in our minds that Omaha Steaks are the go to “FTW Phil!” gift that he receives before after every tournament he wins. But now what? This veggie thing is serious.
“I know this is crazy,” he said Tuesday. “For the last two months now, I’ve been a vegetarian. Can you believe that?”
This puts Mickelson in an awkward position. Not only is he a connoisseur of all things beef, but he is part of an ownership group that has purchased the rights for Five Guys burger and fries franchises in Orange County, Calif.
“The real test is driving by a Five Guys and not stopping,” he said. “I don’t know if I can do that yet, but we’ll see.”
Since it’s only been a couple of months, we doubt that Phil has gotten over the meat sweats yet but if he happens to pull out a victory in this last major, you can expect the big guy will be dumping those Five Guys franchises ASAP.
Mickelson a Strait shooter [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]
Who Wants to Buy John Daly’s House (Sans Kegerator)?
If you feel like nothing in life is ever certain, know this – John Daly will always be a weight fluctuating, chain-smoking, boozehound. And every once in awhile, he’ll have some serious money trouble or just go completely broke.
This is usually followed up with a major win which is then followed up by a total blow-up at the next tournament that may or may not involve Big John ending up passed out pantless on the 18th green in the middle of the night.
The guy has managed to make $9 million throughout his career yet still owes the IRS over a $1 million in back taxes for ’07 and ’08, according to a lien filed with filed by the Service with Shelby County.
His house in Memphis is apparently for sale, for just a smidge under $700k. So if you’re in the market, help the guy out.
Judging by the pics, you’ll have to schlep in your own kegerator and you’ll likely have to replace the carpet due to the ubiquitous cigarette burns but it still looks like a pretty nice pad.
IRS grips, rips golfer John Daly [Tax Watchdog]
Getting Regular Sex in Denmark May Have Cost Søren Hansen About $2.6 Million
Back in March we told you about non-Phil/Tiger golfer Søren Hansen, who was looking at jail time for dodging about 10 million kroner in taxes.
He managed to avoid the Danish joint but a judge did order him to pay 8 million in back taxes and an additional 8 million in fines. This works out to $2.6 million which is around what Tiger Woods spends on hookers in a weekend. So in other words – a chunk.
Hansen maintained throughout the ordeal that he was not a resident of Denmark because he changed his residence to Monaco in 1999 (it’s on his Wikipedia page for crissakes! What’s it going to take?!?) and thus not subject to the tax. The judge didn’t buy it because “he used his summerhouse in Hornbæk for residential purposes, as well as stayed over in his girlfriend’s Copenhagen apartment regularly.”
Obviously Hansen could have moved his g/f to Monaco to avoid all the trips back but that would have put a serious damper on the Monaco tail situation.
Golfer hit for 16 million kroner [Copenhagen Post]
What Are People Saying About Phil Mickelson’s 1st KPMG Masters Victory?
Phil Mickelson earned his third green jacket and Masters championship this weekend, his first major win since striking a sponsorship with KPMG’s hat department.
I took to the online streets of Twitter to see what people were saying about Phil’s win for the KPMG Kamp.
I’ll start off with the legal…
@seanmg: Everytime I looked at Phil Mickelson today I saw that KPMG hat and all I could think of was illegal tax shelters.
…the official…
@KPMG: Phil Mickelson wins his third career Masters title wearing his KPMG cap! http://www.pgatour.com/
@KPMGRecruitment: Congratulations to KPMG-sponsored Phil Mickelson – US Masters Golf Champion 2010!
@RandyWGilbert: Being both a lefty and a KPMG’er it was great to see Phil slip on yet another Green Jacket! http://bit.ly/bx5Oq5
…to the sarcastic…
@chris_reynolds: I felt like the KPMG hat really put Phil over the top.
@synergytim: Does KPMG sponsor Phil Mickelson because of his initials?
…to the giddy excited…
@rychlewc: And Phil wins it! Go KPMG!
@CaseyCope: Oh Phil. You’re our finest investment ever. We’re proud of you, buddy! #KPMG
@Csolo_wvu_reds: Congrats to Phil Mickelson, the people’s champ, straight reppin KPMG all day…
…to the utterly confused.
@milktrader: What does KPMG on Phil’s hat stand for? A sports drink?
@bthogan80: @darrenrovell1 any idea what KPMG pays for phil’s hat?
@andrea_eagleman: Way to go, Phil. Side note – KPMG reallllly needs an updated logo.
What are your thoughts on Phil’s win for KPMG? Discuss.
KPMG – Masters of Thursday’s PR Powerhouses
Forget the fact that what’s-her-name can’t hit the links, let alone join the Old Man’s Club that is Augusta; this weekend is all about Tiger Woods and, if you’re from the KPMG Kamp, Phil Mickelson. Not a resident of the KPMG Kamp is Chris Rock:
Don’t get me wrong – I love Phil, and so should you. What’s not to love? Big goofy smile, overweight just enough to make the average golfer feels connected to the lovable pork chop of an athlete. And he’s left handed, so you just know the world is out to get Golf’s Favorite Underdog. Golf and chainsaws, a lefty’s biggest fears.
But I digress. Back to Uncle Peat.
Phil currently sits tied atop the leader board at five under par, tied with three others. But who cares about those knicker-wearing chumps?! UNCLE PEAT IS IN FIRST PLACE!!!
Us regular peons can only imagine the jubilation amongst KPMG leadership in attendance this weekend. T-Fly and The New Guy back slapping each other and clients-to-be. But are they nervous? After all, Phil is much like KPMG – always the hopeful underdog, their supporters praying that their fearless leaders don’t slice it and end up in the rough (or court). There are rough patches in every round, but coming out ahead of the game is key, is it not?
Hopefully the Philster can keep himself and his catchy hat on top of the leader board going into the weekend. For the tax crew out there, you can follow your favorite Tiger Slayer’s weekend rounds live on Masters.com. Hopefully streaming video isn’t blocked by the Kamp Kounselors.
Is RSM McGladrey Worried That Natalie Gulbis Isn’t Sexier Than Lane Kiffin?
It’s bracket season and while many of you are trying to get out of work to watch hoops, the good folks at Esquire have a much more pressing matter at hand.
The Sexiest Woman Alive Bracket is: “A single-elimination battle royale: sixty-four women, seven rounds, one readers’-choice champion, and not a single Kardashian,” and RSM McGladrey’s own Natalie Gulbis is a number one seed.
Her first round cruise match is against…Lane Kiffin?
Yes, Lane Kiffin. For those of you not pigskin inclined, Lane Kiffin recently left his job as the University of Tennessee football coach for the job at the University of Southern California.
As you might expect, Volunteer fans didn’t take too kindly to a young first-year coach bolting for the sunny confines of L.A. This is not lost on the folks at Esquire and they opted to include the Trojan coach in this year’s bracket.
And as it stands right now, Natalie is trailing Lane in the first round match-up with just under 35k votes to Kiffin’s 46k-ish votes. How does Kiffin, who at first glance does not even qualify for this particular bracket, manage to hold on to what seems to be a insurmountable lead? Is it possible that LK is sexier than Natalie?
Plus, if this lead holds up, isn’t this a public relations disaster for everyone involved? How will RSM explain this to their clients? Will this lead to a desperate move by the firm to drop NG in favor of someone else, say a newly recovered sex addict — who’s a little down on his luck re: sponsors — that will be playing in the Masters?
Vote for the Sexiest Woman Alive! [Esquire]
Søren Hansen Is Another Golfer Who Is a Cheater; But He’s a Tax Cheater
Since golf is a sport (?) that some of you engage in, you’ll be interested to know that Søren Hansen, the Danish linkster, may be going to jail for tax fraud.
He’s not banging everything that moves or shilling for an accounting firm, he just hates taxes. Just like you!
Hansen owes the Danes 9.6 million kroner which is about $1.75 million. That puts him a shade below Nas tax trouble.
Denmark is claiming that Hansen is a resident but he says that he kicks it in Monaco 24/7. Apparently he summers up in the motherland so this thing is a toss-up at best. If he’s found guilty of failing to pay the taxes he could wind up paying a fine of 10 million kroner and “an unspecified prison term”.
We don’t have any idea what a Danish prison would be like although we’re sure it’s rotten.
Fraud police ready to jail golfer [Copenhagen Post]