Surely most of you have heard about two horrifying and completely bizarre incidents recently; the "Miami zombie" who ate 80% of a dude's face off and the Maryland engineering student who chopped up and ate his roommate. I grew up in Milwaukee not that far from Jeffrey Dahmer's house so I can't say cannibalism in the news is anything new to me but I will say these incidents are disturbing to say the least.
But that's not all. A crazy, unexplained rash broke out in a Florida school. HazMat teams removed itchy students and dropped them off at the hospital in a plastic-lined school bus. Authorities still don't know what caused the outbreak.
So, because I really like my job and won't be able to write articles if the intended audience is dead in a zombie outbreak, here are a few tips specific for you guys that should keep you alive.
Know the difference between a zombie and a public accounting drone Look around your office. Do you see the glazed-over eyes, pale skin and suffering, weak posture of your colleagues? Do not mistake this for a zombie outbreak. These people certainly are zombies but not the brain-eating, flesh-craving kind. Do not under any circumstances approach these people as their listlessness is highly contagious. Wash your hands thoroughly after any contact with these people. Signs of public accounting zombie infection include wearing dusty blue button-up shirts and wrinkled chinos, eating hours and repeatedly doing the same as last year.
Find out where the exits in your office are. Maybe you've been thinking up your dramatic escape from your cube long before guys started biting other guys but now is the time to familiarize yourself with every exit on your floor in the event of a rapid outbreak. In fact, you know what, it's Friday, why don't you just find the exit and bail now? Assuming your office is already infected, no one will notice you are gone.
Avoid asking any obviously infected clients for bank recs Everyone hates when the auditors show up but in the event of a full-on zombie outbreak, asking the infected for confirmations is a sure way to get your face chewed off. If you must confront an infected client, send the interns to do it. Preferably the ones that didn't get full-time offers.
Try not to hook up with any co-workers for now Everyone who watches horror flicks knows that the sluts are usually the first to get horrifically ripped apart when the infection hits so for now, you're going to have to resist the urge. Until we know for sure that this is just a few weirdos going nuts due to bath salts or sunspots or whatever the hell is causing this, the safest thing you can do is hide out in your room with a bottle of lotion.
Newsweek & The Daily Beast are tracking just a few of the bizarre incidents that have gone down across the country recently on Google Maps (frighteningly, most of these are concentrated around the I-95 corridor) if you're interested.
View Zombie Instances, May 2012 in a larger map