Did anyone catch the blood moon last night? That wasn't a rare astrological event, it was actually representative of this year's filing season for tax accountants all over America. In honor of this most sacred of days, TAX DAY, GC asked me to come back and share my wisdom on what the stars hold for all of you in tax. Allow me to consult my charts here — and by "charts" I mean my top secret astrological Excel spreadsheet — and give you the skinny.
Aries (March 21-April 19) The full moon lunar eclipse means a fresh start and the possibility of a new relationship. If you have been considering quitting your job at H&R Block, today would be the day to walk away. Take a risk!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your direct, sometimes abrasive nature means your clients got all their receipts in two weeks ago. Chances are, you are already at the bar celebrating.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Your dual nature means you are probably also doing some audit work, or you are a CFO doing tax returns on the side, or you are the guy who owns a laundromat/barber shop that does taxes in the back. Whatever it is, you're always working so while everyone else is celebrating tax day, you're probably at the bar… because you also moonlight as a bartender.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) The full moon eclipse is a good opportunity for you to reflect on where you are in your life and where you want to go. Right now, you want to go to the bar.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) See that stack of client files on your desk? Leo don't care! Extend all your un-extended clients and take off early, you earned it!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) As the conservative, orderly one of the zodiac, you're ahead of the game but won't leave the office until the last extension is filed. It goes against your beliefs but today would be a good day to take risks — go ahead and read TMZ from your smartphone while sitting on the can, Virgo! It's OK, we won't tell.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You will be called upon, as the most balanced of the zodiac, to diffuse potential arguments at the office today. Worry about your own clients and tell those asshole colleagues of yours to hire a damn mediator if they can't work things out on their own, you have work to do!
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) That Liberty Tax sign spinner near your office you've had your eye on for weeks? Today would be the day to make her an offer she can't refuse ifyoufeelme.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You've been drawing cartoon penises on your colleagues' client papers for months, now it's time to relax and pat yourself on the back for a tax season well done.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan. 19) Don't get Chipotle for lunch.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You never let anything bother you but today, you're going to feel a little bothered. Some clown "forgot" to make coffee again but instead of letting it get to you, just drink that half a cup of grounds like a BOSS.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You've been working non-stop since January and now you have to chase down all your slacker clients so you can wrap this once and for all. Remember, you haven't seen daylight in months so don't feel bad about not leaving the office until late tonight, you are too pale to be seen in public during the day anyway.