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Deloitte Auditor Recognizes Overachieving Intern’s Nauseating Enthusiasm, Responds Accordingly

There's nothing quite like an enthusiastic intern who wants to be prepared for their first day on the job. And when I say, "nothing quite like," I mean, "Nothing quite as barf-worthy."

Make no mistake, the effort is appreciated young grasshoppers, but you should know that the senior associate or manager that you are corresponding with will likely respond this way:

(S)he will let out an audible sigh upon reading your email, reconsider their purpose in the world, eat something unhealthy yet addictively delicious (e.g. salt and vinegar potato chips) to cope with that empty feeling. Then this person will start crafting their response to you because God knows if (s)he doesn't give you instructions in a reasonable timeframe, they will be responsible for your first job-related panic attack. 

Again, it's not that this person doesn't appreciate your eagerness, but they've likely read several emails like yours in the past and it's somewhat depressing for them to know that yet another vibrant young life will be snuffed out by the mundane tasks that will be asked of them.

ANYWAY, here's a recent example of an eager intern that fits this narrative: 

From: [Overachieving Intern]
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2012 9:56 AM
To: [Senior Associate Not Looking to Be Impressed]
Subject: Monday Information 
[Senior Associate Not Looking to Be Impressed], 
I am really looking forward to working with you and the [Client A] team starting next week. I wanted to connect with you before reporting to the office on Monday. I  had a few questions I was hoping you could answer for me. In preparation for joining the [Client A] team, I plan on reading the Earnings call from the prior quarter and reviewing Deloittenet for articles concerning the utilities industry. Also, I wanted to see if it was possible for me to get my hands on the 1410 document. Is there any more material you would like for me to review? 
A few other questions I had for Monday are: 
What pack should I install in AS2? 
What time does the team usually arrive at the office? 
What is the parking situation at [Client A]? 
I hope you have a great day and sorry to bombard you with so many questions. 
[Overachieving Intern]
I'm not sure if four questions qualifies as a bombardment, thus requiring the "sorry" but the Boy Scout-esque preparedness is certainly worthy of an apology. The Deloitte Senior in question, sensing an opportunity, responded in approximately two hours, which was risky since that is far longer than the limit of many interns' anxiety threshold:
From: [Senior Associate Not Looking to Be Impressed]
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2012 11:55 AM
To: [Overachieving Intern]
Cc: [Someone Copied for Entertainment Purposes]; [Someone Else Copied for Entertainment Purposes]
Subject: RE: Monday Information 
[Overachieving Intern], 
Thanks for reaching out to me. I appreciate your questions below, as there will be a lot expected out of you in the coming weeks. Regarding any additional material you should take a look at before coming here, I would start with the Form 10k. You can find it at, search for [Client A]. Since I’m not really sure which Operating Company you will be working on, I would just go ahead and read the whole thing. In addition, since you will probably get done early today, you may want to check out the Deloitte Learning Center online and look up any Industry e-learnings. I think there’s a couple of pretty good ones (Introduction to Public Utilities and History of Public Utilities). Regarding your other questions: 
First, I noticed you were a little presumptuous in thinking you would be starting on Monday as opposed to Saturday. I guess since we have Impact Day tomorrow and this is your first week out here, it makes sense you wouldn’t be coming in this weekend; however, note that this will be more of an exception than a rule. 
You should download and install the Public Utilities Industry Pack. If you can’t find it on Deloitte Audit, don’t bother showing up Monday. 
The team usually arrives sporadically, between 6:00am and 7:30am, but I have it on good authority that the individual arriving at 7:30 will likely not be with us much longer due to lack of commitment to the team. You can make the call as to when you should arrive. 
Parking is sparse at the client site. I would recommend taking MARTA to the Civic Center Station and then catching the Georgia Power shuttle or walking from there. If anyone asks who you are on the shuttle just tell them that you are the auditor and if they ask you any more questions you will be forced to sign a qualified opinion on the year-end audit. That should shut them up, one way or another. 
Other items to note: 
Every second Tuesday of the month is Safari Day at GPC. In honor of this festive day, we all typically wear some sort of animal print attire, a safari hat, and boots. You may want to do some shopping over the weekend. 
To determine who brings in breakfast on Fridays, the team usually has a round robin thumb war contest. The last place has to get breakfast, while the winner gets the day off. Train accordingly, it gets a little crazy. 
Every Thursday we have individual meetings with the Partner ([redacted]) to discuss whether we think we accomplished our goals for the week (BTW, we set weekly goals every Monday that get approved by [partner]). If there are any that you haven’t met come Wednesday evening, plan on being here late. You really don’t want to be in a position of explaining your lack of effort to [partner]. 
Other than that, this job is super easy. I wouldn’t stress at all about it. Let me know if you have any other questions. Feel free to forward this to the other guy coming out here. I haven’t heard from him, so I can only assume he is NOT looking forward to working with me, as you are. 
[Senior Associate Not Looking to Be Impressed]
P.S. disregard everything you read in this email. I will send a real one in a few minutes. 

Luckily for this intern, (s)he was on a team where the postscript was the sincere part. Not everyone is so lucky.