So accountant trading cards are a thing. Because there’s nothing more thrilling than the adrenaline rush of trading cards combined with the raw excitement of accounting.
Accountant trading cards are similar to the Most-Wanted Iraqis playing cards issued by the Bush administration during the Iraq War. The main difference is that the Most-Wanted Iraqis cards explicitly told soldiers who to shoot; owning accountant trading cards implies that you should maybe shoot yourself.
The people on the cards are no surprise. We can all list the most important accountants in history. Like Confucius.
Confucius got his card because, as it says on the back, “First Job: Accountant.” My first job was at a pharmacy which is why I’m considered one of history’s greatest drug lords.
Confucius’s stats include:
Ithamar, son of Aaron; nephew of Moses
We all remember the amazing contributions to the accounting profession by Ithamar, son of Aaron, Moses’s nephew. You know, from Exodus 38:21:
These are the amounts of the materials used for the tabernacle, the tabernacle of the covenant law, which were recorded at Moses’ command by the Levites under the direction of Ithamar son of Aaron.
Maybe your boss acts like he’s God. Ithamar’s boss was God. A vengeful, jealous God who hates ham and foreskin (for different reasons).
Ithamar’s other stats include:
- Annual tithing percentage: 9.87%
- Filing status: Married Filing Polygamous
- A/R confirmation response rate: 0% 3
Of course Benjamin Franklin was one of history’s greatest accountants; Benjamin Franklin was one of history’s greatest everything. He was like the James Franco of stuff that matters. Or maybe he just got a card because he’s on the hundred. We couldn’t audit cash without him.
Ben Franklin’s other stats include:
- Languages spoken: 5
- Essays written about farting: 1
- Syphilis shots paid for on company’s health plan: 42
John W. Cromwell and Christina Ross
John W. Cromwell was recognized as the first black CPA, and Christina Ross was recognized as the first woman CPA, which is a great way to highlight the lack of hispanics in the profession.
Cromwell and Ross’s other stats include:
- Non-white coworkers: 0
- Non-male coworkers: 0
- Diversity in the Accounting Profession Surveys completed: 1.873
My only disappointment was that the cards didn’t come with a hard, crunchy stick of gum that would be best described as fully depreciated.
1 According to tradition, Confucius penned the words, “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life,” and the next day he quit his job as an accountant.
2 Confucius said, “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop … and as long as you’re cool eating time in order to hit budget.”
3 Confirmation is more of a Catholic thing.