As you may have heard, busy season is over for many miserable accountants across the country. If you failed to get that memo, it’s time to avert your eyes from that spreadsheet and get some sleep, you’re obviously brain-dead and completely disconnected from the real world. Sorry.
Rather than wallow in busy season gone by, we thought now would be a good time to play a game: Who Would Win in a Fight? Ready to play? Let’s go.
Benjamin Bankes vs. Barry Melancon
Strengths: probably fights like an animal. As a champion for financial literacy, he likely has quite a bit of money in savings, which means he could easily purchase a large cache of semi-automatic weapons and armor if needed.
Weaknesses: if you ever smashed a piggy bank as a child, you already know.
Strengths: ???
Weaknesses: Most likely doughy like an undercooked tray of Pillsbury crescent rolls. More interested in recruiting more AICPA members than defending his honor with his fists.
Bob Moritz vs. The Bobs from Office Space
Strengths: The power of PwC ego gives him mild super strengths.
Weaknesses: Knows he’s pretty, might be too busy trying to guard his precious face from damage to get any good punches in.
Strengths: As corporate drones, they’re pretty oblivious to everything, meaning they could get punched right in the face and likely not notice.
Weaknesses: See above. They might not even realize they’re in a fight.
Jim Turley vs. Jim Doty
Strengths: Jim Turley once beat down a giant spider in the snack room at 5 Times Square with his bare meat paws, that $100% happened.
Weaknesses: Now that he’s retired, he just doesn’t care.
Strengths: As head of the PCAOB, he can make your life miserable if you’re an auditor.
Weaknesses: Is a lover, not a fighter.
Mid-tier matchup: Joe Adams vs. Jim Powers
Strengths: Probably wrestled several cows to the ground when he was growing up.
Weaknesses: Midwesterners are notorious for being polite to the point of obnoxiousness, would probably avoid a fight and instead suggest they talk it out over brats and a Tab.
Strengths: Could definitely take you in a fight.
Weaknesses: Is too busy promoting Crowe Horwath as a viable alternative to Big 4 to train for a serious fight.
KPMG partners who leaked PCAOB inspection details vs. PwC partners who screwed up the Oscars
Strengths: They all got fired and completely embarrassed the firm, so they no longer care about their reputations. Will probably play dirty and get insider information on their opponents’ weaknesses.
Weaknesses: Leaking information. They’ll probably tell the partners they’re fighting about their physical shortcomings so their opponents can better prepare to kick their asses.
Strengths: Seeing as they totally humiliated themselves, they are likely eager to prove their worth and win in something, anything, even an impromptu street fight in the alley against other public accounting partners.
Weaknesses: Still horrified that they screwed up the one job they had, are likely too overcome with guilt and deep feelings of failure to fight right now.
