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This Accountant Underwent Counseling for an Addiction to Sausages

Accountants are not without their vices. Whether it be booze, sex, or DVRing every single HBO TV series, we all know someone who can’t quite break the spell of certain pleasures in life after they become addictive. Today in double-entry junkies, we meet David Harding. David loves sausages. He loves them so much that he has eaten at least one a day since the age of five. He loves them so much that he has undergone hypnosis to try and conquer his craving of salty pork links. He loves them so much that he was willing to do a live audition for the “Gluttony” role in Se7en.

Okay, I made that last part up but this accountant LOVES SAUSAGES:

A father-of-three has become the first person in Britain to undergo counselling after developing an unusual addiction to sausages. David Harding, 47, has paid out almost £2,000 in an attempt to beat his bizarre habit, which sees him eat up to 13 bangers per day.

Now if you think this is merely a man who lacks self-control, you’d be wrong. This is obsession, my friends:

He said: ‘I genuinely cannot bear the thought of living without sausages. ‘Drug addicts crave their medicine of choice, and it’s the same for me – except that my drug is a banger.’ Accountant David has eaten at least one sausage per day – in sandwiches, fry-ups or main meals – since the age of five. He spends up to £700 per year on bangers and has even bought a deep chest freezer to store the vast quantities of his favourite McWhinneys Irish pork sausages. David realised he could be an ‘addict’ last year when wife Susan decided to do ‘something different’ for dinner and failed to serve-up his usual fare. He said: ‘I went a bit mad at the thought of it. It threw me completely off-track. It was then that I realised something wasn’t quite right and sought professional help.’

As for these McWhinneys folks, they’re taking this in stride, much like a Philip Morris exec might:

McWhinney’s Sausages MD, Kevin McWhinney, said: ‘We are pleased that this gentleman likes our sausages, but wish him well in his quest to control his habit.’

Help me battle my SAUSAGE ADDICTION! Accountant forced to have counselling to get him off the bangers [Daily Mail via AwebUK]

Report: Bomber of Moscow Airport Was an Accounting Student ‘Pumped Full of Drugs’

For the love of everything good and holy, we know some of you are depressed but please don’t resort to this:

Forensic experts have determined the identity of the suicide bomber who killed himself and 36 other people at Domodedovo airport – an accounting student from the North Caucasus republic of Ingushetia, Moscow media reports said Friday. The forensic researchers, going by DNA evidence taken from the scene, identified the bomber as a 20-year-old who apparently was ‘pumped full’ of drugs before he carried out the January 24 attack.

Accounting student was airport suicide bomber, Moscow media say [M&C]

Of Course an Accountant Is the World’s Top Fantasy Football Player

As you’re no doubt aware, this past Saturday the college football season began and on Sunday the NFL kicks off their season. For many of you with a pigskin-crazed significant other, this means that you won’t be seeing much of him or her on the weekends for the rest of the year.

This also means that thousands of hours will be wasted by (primarily) men at work and in their free time, antagonizing over the players on their rosters* and coming up with lame trash talk for their upcoming opponents. For the most part, the gajillion of dollars lost in productivity and the strain put on relationships is accepted by society (there are exceptions).

Football is more of a religion than any of the faiths these days anyway. Plus, we’re fairly certain that men sitting on their asses while ingesting meat and watching freakishly obsese men (and a few athletes) sacrifice life and limb is all but guaranteed by The Constitution. Fantasy football is a mere extension of this phenomenon.

Anyway, there has to be a king of this geekfest of stats, laptops and greasy food and his name is John Rozek. And he is an accountant.

More technically, Rozek is “king of fantasy football by the World Championship of Fantasy Sports, the big dog in big-money, faux-football leagues.” The World Championship of Fantasy Sports (“WCOFS”) will be awarding $2 million in prize money this year which should allow some of the big winners to actually get laid.

Rozek (who won $25k last year in various leagues) doesn’t claim to be a guru, just smarter than the born losers he plays against, “You have to take advantage of people not making the best picks,” he told the Trib. “And you can’t fall in love with players.”

This really shouldn’t surprise you one iota. Looking over a mess of seemingly meaningless numbers, maintaining objectivity, impervious to distractions like spouse, kids, etc. when its busy and/or football season is what accountants so good at their jobs in the first place. It’s like revealing that an accountant is the best at stamp collecting (we’re sure it’s a fine hobby) or a World of Warcraft champion. Most people’s reaction would be, “Meh. I could’ve guessed that.”

Chicago accountant is world’s top-ranked fantasy football player [CT]

*Full disclosure: I am in one league and my team will be dominating this year.