Life at KPMG Will Consume Your Mind, Body, Soul, and Stomach

There’s nothing like buying your loyalty. I’m not saying Big 87654 programs like this aren’t somewhat good for the morale and worth the firms’ dime(s) not just to buy loyal servants but also to help prepare future capital market servants in general but it’s sort of a scam. Sometimes, these education programs don’t work out and the slaves revolt, as happened with this young man in an undisclosed market somewhere in a state that ends in tts.

Anyway, KPMG wants to recruit a whole bunch of 18 year-olds into its work/school program (across the pond they call this a “scheme,” which makes it exponentially more funny) by next September. The House of Klynveld will pay these kids’ tuition fees and pay them a whopping starting salary of £20,000 ($31,460 in Fed Funny Money).

Here’s a brief and completely related link to an article on indentured servitude: “Servants typically worked four to seven years in exchange for passage, room, board, lodging and freedom dues. While the life of an indentured servant was harsh and restrictive, it wasn’t slavery. There were laws that protected some of their rights.”

Sound at all familiar?

According to The Telegraph, the course opens its doors to 90 students for the first time this month, with two-thirds of entrants coming from state schools or colleges, compared with around half from the traditional graduate entry route.

More than 1,000 would-be ex-KPMGers applied for the program, and that number is expected to rise year over year. They say that’s because tuition is up to £9000 a year (about $14,153 but there’s a Fed meeting fast approaching, that number is subject to change) but my guess is mediocre performers need jobs and accounting isn’t that bad of a gig for some of them. I’d also guess that a few of these program “graduates” actually go on to have successful careers.

If you remember, one former participant of a similar program once (allegedly but eloquently) wrote to his former colleagues “I’m pretty sure it would have been easier to escape from Auschwitz than a YMP contract. I knew from the second week I start here that this wasn’t going to work out.” Ernst & Young’s Your Master Plan nurtured one hell of a profanity-laced, poetic farewell email, a true testament to its power. One requirement for the program was advanced written and verbal communication skills… it’s a wonder Uncle Ernie didn’t call Craig immediately and ask him to come back with a fat raise.

Anyway, the head of audit at KPMG told the Telegraph “At a time when many young people, graduates included, are finding it difficult to gain employment, this programme represents a credible alternative to mainstream university education and provides an attractive route into employment for talented students.”

I highly – and I mean highly – recommended checking out the comments on the Telegraph article, as it finally identifies the link between public accounting and anal rape that we have been trying to pinpoint for years. It’s the one that starts off with “If you work at a large accounting firm, beware, it is perfectly acceptable for the large accounting firm to tell massive lies about you such that you will be butt raped repeatedly…” You can’t miss it.