Please ensure Javascript is enabled for purposes of website accessibility

If the Big Firms Were Alcohol, Here’s What You’d Be Drinking

Ed. note: this is the second submission from Andrew Roberts as we trudge ever onward in the GC freelancer finals. You've met him before. You are already familiar with how this works and I know you'll do your part by chiming in.

What does an accountant think about when there is nothing else to think about?

[email protected] – “Congrats, you've made it this far.”

Me – “Aces.”

[email protected] – “…Your round two submission should [be] completely different from round one.”

Me – “Shit.”

Beyond questionable career advice and this year’s raises (I’m no longer privy to that sort of information), what else could someone in public accounting possibly want to read about?

Porn?  Well, at least 52% of you would, but apparently there have been issues with the comments section and I feel like that would just invite an immediate shutdown. [Ed. note: good call, my friend, good call]

The latest and greatest ASU?  No, I definitely do not think anyone here wants to read about that.

The future of public accounting?  You will still work a lot, partners will still make a ton of money, and you will still be really pissed about both of these facts.  There, done.

Well, I can’t think of anything else, but the powers that be demand I at least try and make it close to 1,000 words, so here is a slapdash look at U.S. liquor sales (as ranked by supplier gross revenues) compared to the top accounting firms (ranked by A&A revenue, as per Accounting Today’s 2012 Top 100).

1.       Vodka (PwC) – No surprise here.  Extremely popular and has been for a while.  Although it seems every week there is a new brand being advertised on the back of magazines.  One would think that eventually people would catch on and realize it’s the same exact stuff as last week, but I guess fancy new names and colors will continue to have their way.

2.       Whiskey (Deloitte) – No fancy Islay single malts here.  After all but shedding its Scottish heritage this once-mighty contender has probably seen its greatest days, but has a loyal enough following to ensure it will forever be in the top four.

3.       Cordials (E&Y) – According to Wikipedia, “Most… have a lower alcohol content…”  Enough said.

4.       Rum (KPMG) – “Got a little Klynveld in ya?”  It might not be the most popular, but it’s definitely the go-to for a good time.

5.       Tequila (McGladrey) – If you end up with this one something has gone, or is about to go, terribly, terribly wrong.

6.       Scotch Whisky (Grant Thornton) – An acquired taste.  The second part is often misspelled and they tend to have a bit of a chip on their shoulder because of it.

7.       Brandy & Cognac (BDO USA) – Would the most interesting accounting firm in the world drink anything else?

8.       Gin (Crowe Horwath) – You have heard of this, but you instinctually avoid it.  Also you think it smells a little weird.

If you have made it this far, you are part of the 1% (and not the good kind that can afford professional sports teams and disease-free prostitutes).  Please feel free to use the above referenced sources to check my rankings.  It’s late and I have neither the time nor second-level reviewer to check my work.

I would normally need a drink at this point, but for some reason I have lost all appetite for booze.  Just kidding…  cheers.