October 26, 2020

BREAKING: Going Concern Founder Lured Back to KPMG

I have to admit, I never thought I would be writing this. I bring you this news with both sadness and excitement; sadness for losing my partner-in-crime and excitement for finally being able to make an unlimited number of misogynist bro jokes without getting berated by my editor.

According to KPMG sources that asked not to be identified, our esteemed Going Concern founder Caleb Newquist has been lured back to the firm at which he learned to question all things public accounting and will be leaving us to take a position in KPMG's communications department.

"Our communications department is thrilled to finally be able to get it," said our source. "We look forward to actually relating to the kids and getting the recognition we deserve as a true Big 4 firm and know that Mr. Newquist has the ability to deliver these kinds of results for KPMG."

Calls made after hours to the KPMG Denver and New York offices where Colin once worked were not returned.

Effective immediately, all outstanding tips and advice emails you have sent us will be distributed evenly between me, Braddock and Joe Kristan.

"I have to admit I'm shocked," said Sift Media Managing Director Tom Dunkerley via email this morning. "I wish Caleb the best of luck, he'll need it."

Although Colin wasn't answering my texts all night, I finally got this statement out of him: "Frankly, I was a little surprised when I got the call offering me the position. I thought most of my bridges were burned after publishing so many unflattering stories about KPMG and ribbing John Veihmeyer with all the Notre Dame jokes. I look forward helping KPMG break into the Big 4. I'll miss working with Adrienne, Dan, and Joe and the rest of Sift Media. But not Tom Dunkerley. He can sod off."

We'll miss you, homie. Please send us a hat.

 

 

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