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Memo to the AICPA: You Don’t Have To Be In High School To Come Up With Juvenile Acronyms

Some of you seemed less than enthused when we shared an AccountingWEB piece on the AICPA’s new “Clearly Pretty Awesome” campaign two weeks ago so I’m here to get a good hoo-RAH out of you in the hopes that you, our brilliant, bitter and oftentimes inappropriate Going Concern readers, might have 2 or 3 cents to add.

Here’s the deal, the AICPA is giving away cash and prizes (to be used strictly for educational purposes, that is) for whomever (between ages 15 – 19) can come up with the best made-up job title using those all important three letters: C P A. Since the efforts of both the Obama administration and Ben Bernanke seem to be useless in creating jobs, perhaps high schoolers can boast a better success rate in creating new jobs. Sorry, Certified Public Asshole is already taken and frankly, kind of played out. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have similar ideas for made-up jobs, though whether or not anyone actually becomes a Chief Private Asshat remains to be seen.

The obvious inspiration behind the campaign is to plant the seed of public accounting in young little future beancounters’ brains when they are still pliable and easily influenced. After all, it’s easier to get them now, as opposed to later on down the road when they’re bitter and pissed off, overworked and saddled with a family and a career. While we admire the AICPA’s efforts in painting the profession in as cool a light as possible given the circumstances, we don’t quite see the point in rewarding whomever makes up “city park accordionist”.

Instead, here’s what I propose: take your high school student to work day for CPAs. Cops do it, why can’t we? Invite high school students to go on a ride-along to the client and hell, while they’re there why not have them partake in such exciting awesomeness as inventory counts? It will look great on their résumés when the job market looks up in 3 – 7 years!

Or better, encourage students to become forensic accountants by taking them to a real prison to follow a day in the life of Jeff Skilling complete with orange uniform and over-aggressive cellmate. That kills two birds with one stone as the impressionable youngsters could also get a great lesson in sexual harassment from a tattooed dude named Spike and save themselves an employee training or two down the road. Perfect!

So, go on then, what do you think CPA could stand for?

An Alternative to the Bob Dylan Christmas Album

zelin4.jpgSo in case you weren’t aware, there is a singing CPA that actually puts out albums. He wrote a song for Sarbanes-Oxley’s fifth birthday, has appeared on Nightline and yes, he has a Christmas album.

Make fun if you want but we dare you to deny the song-writing genius of someone that mentions Martha Stewart, Pavarotti, Al Capone, and Dennis Kozlowski in one song (“Deck the Halls with Calculators”).

And then of course, there’s this:

Big 4 Alumni Watch: Ex-KPMGer Wants You to Please Yourself (or Someone Else)

sex toys.jpgWhen considering your next professional move, do you take the time to ponder all the options? Oh sure, controller, technical accounting manager, CFO all sound nice but do they really get you excited about your work?

If you answer yes, then stop reading and return to Forbes.

Former Klynveldian, Matt Thomas is the co-founder of La Coquette a website for sex toys, paddles, handcuffs and other adult accessories. Unlikely as it may seem for an ex-Big 4 type to get into the business of sensual delights, he clearly is a master of utilizing critical thinking skills:

“sex has always sold – and we thought there was a gap in the market for really good quality products.”

Hear that? ‘A gap in the market for really good quality products’. Have you been able to find something that can provide eight hours of 24k bliss? How about leopard nipple tassels? Crystal handcuffs? Didn’t think so.

Plus, that device that you’ve dreamed about that plugs into your iPod and provides magical pleasure to the beat of JT? Dream no longer. The Naughtibod Vibrator will only set you back £46 and batteries are included.

Suffice to say, the man is far more interesting to talk to:

“It is a brave new world,” he laughs. “At dinner parties and weddings I used to tell people I was an investment banker and that would be that. Now, they’re hanging onto my every word!”

Although we understand Matt’s excitement about his newfound popularity, it can’t be that hard to keep someone’s attention if you’re carrying around a picture of a Shiri Zinn Minx vibrator. Call it a hunch.

Ex-Banker Tries His Luck with Sex Toys [City AM]

Your Next Career: Ultimate Fighting Champion

Thumbnail image for Chuck_Liddell_001.jpgYesterday we suggested some of you might be interested in slumming it for the McDonald’s of the tax prep world. We understand that some of you are way too special to even consider that, so we’ll suggest something completely different.

With all the rage in some of you out there, you’d think that some of you would wake up and get yourselves into psychoanalysis. If you’re Irish, obviously this won’t work, and some of you are interested in getting in touch with your feelings. Fine. Get your rage worked out in the Octagon rather than your gray cubicle. Chuck Liddell will gladly bash your face in while reciting the basic accounting equation to you. Perhaps he even has an opinion on global accounting convergence.

Turns out that Liddell, prior to deciding that knocking people out, appearing on Entourage and dating Playboy playmates was only slightly more fun, got an accounting degree from California Polytech. Look at this guy. If this guy was your audit manager, don’t you think the client would quit f*cking with you? It’s too bad Chuck, you could have been one of the great ones.
As for the rest of you, we realize that this might be a stretch since giving up soda and adhering to any sort of exercise regimen aren’t really realistic but we’re trying to present options people. This seems like a decent one.