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Freaky Fraud: The Woman Who Stole $110,000 in Bull Semen From Her Employer

First, if you hate your inventory counts, can you only imagine what it’s like to have to keep tabs on tank after tank of frozen bull semen? Count your blessings, people.

A woman in Ohio pleaded not guilty last week to stealing a tank of bull semen valued at $110,000 from her employer. Authorities say 45 year-old Karen Saum planned to use the semen to extort money out of her employer – the rightful owner of the sperm – to start her own business. I can only imagine what kind of business she planned on starting with the seed money.

Detectives said a tip led them to Saum’s garage, where they found the stolen semen. Just a tip.

Det. James Hollopeter told WHIO TV that Saum used her knowledge of the company’s internal workings to lift only the high quality semen. “She knew where this semen would have been located,” he said. “It was actually locked in an interior closet because it was more valuable that some of the other that they had out.”

Right. Because everyone knows you don’t leave the good shit lying around where any old creepy criminal can get their paws on it.

Convicted Forensic Accountant Lew Freeman Will Be Damned if You Think You’re Getting His Suits

Miami’s go-to forensic accountant-turned Ponzi Schemer Lewis Freeman was sentenced to eight years in prison earlier today. While that’s clearly an embarrassment for him and his family (he reportedly told his kids, “I know you’re smart enough not to follow … the horrible example I set for you.”) the man does have a shred of dignity left.

He still has plenty of friends who think that his charity work should have been enough to keep him out of the slammer altogether. Sam Antar – who did the exact opposite metamorphosis – isn’t impressed by this:

It’s hilarious how many people are supporting this guy. As the criminal CFO of Crazy Eddie, I used to do good deeds such as walking old ladies across the street, too. However, my so-called good deeds never made me any less of a cold-blooded criminal.

Good deeds are used by criminals to build walls of false integrity around themselves to increase the comfort level of their victims and to gain an outpouring of support, if they ever get caught.

But on a more superficial level, Lew Freeman was a dapper fellow. So don’t even begin to think that you’ll be getting your filthy mitts on the man’s fine threads.

[Freeman] spent his final moments of freedom Friday saying goodbye to family and stripping down to his jogging shorts before dozens of people in a Miami federal courtroom….“He didn’t want to give his suit to the authorities,” said Freeman’s attorney, Joseph DeMaria. “It was his idea.”

Freeman sentenced to eight years [South Florida Business Journal]