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Protip to Government Accountants: If You’re Into Kiddie Porn, You Probably Shouldn’t Watch It At Work

Posted on by Adrienne Gonzalez

Lord knows I'm no prude but I think we can all agree there is never an appropriate time or place for kiddie porn. That being said, if there were a good time and place (again, there isn't), it definitely isn't at work:

Denver's Public Works Department fired a senior accountant accused of viewing child pornography at work, but there is no indication the matter was ever referred to law enforcement.

After a co-worker alleged she saw him viewing "pornography involving pre-pubescent girls," the city reviewed the Internet usage of the accountant, Stephen Zelarney, conducted on his work computer in the Wellington E. Webb Municipal Office Building during the morning of March 15, 2013.

That report found the sites he visited included: "stories of rape 14 times, prisoner rape, survivor stories viewed 20 times, teenage rape viewed 22 times, pictures of 12-year-old girls viewed six times (and) teenage rape stories viewed 16 times."

Kiddie porn AND rape porn? ON THE JOB? How sick do you have to be to think that is at all OK? I can almost (seriously, almost, as in "not quite") understand indulging in rape porn featuring adults from the privacy of your own home but AT WORK?! Sorry, allegedly at work.

BUT WAIT. It was research. Research, you guys.

Zelarney, 57, in an interview with The Denver Post, confirmed that his superiors never alerted law enforcement authorities of his Internet viewing, but he denied that he was looking at pornography at work.

"I guess it depends on how you define that," Zelarney said, adding that he did not contest the allegations because he was old enough to retire and receive a pension and did not want a lengthy legal fight.

As to whether he was viewing pornography of "prepubescent girls," Zelarney said his superiors mistakenly confused the sites he was researching in his effort to help his girlfriend’s daughter audition in the Miss Colorado Pageant.

According to the Denver Post, the colleague who turned him into his superiors said his Internet use was adversely impacting his ability to perform his job. Yikes.

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Americans for Tax Reform Would Like to Make President Obama’s Jobs Speech a Little More Fun

To mark tomorrow night’s “Jobs Speech” by President Obama, the Ronald Reagan-possessed imps over at Americans for Tax Reform are providing some entertainment to get you through what will be, in all likelihood, a message that will be big on rhetoric with virtually no chance of anyone (Joe Biden included) breaking into song. And because most of the people that will be watching the speech will be either journalist/blabby pundit-types and people who are physically unable to remove themselves from the couch, they went with the simplest (yet oddly enjoyable) game possible. BINGO.


BINGO_Sept 2011 Obama Jobs Speech Bingo Card 1

As you can see, ATR has studiously selected the words and phrases they think will be spoken most often by the President and have created five different cards so that you can play with your fellow lovers of liberty. They even took the trouble to define many of these terms in case you can’t keep everything straight. Based on ATR’s interpretation, you are more or less going to be listening to the President utter “tax hikes” on a loop. Of course if BINGO isn’t your thing, you simply could just turn this into a drinking game, although it’s conceivable this could result in several cases of alcohol poisoning.

The added (surely unintentional) bonus is that you can use this card as a template for tonight’s Republican Presidential candidate debate where many of these terms will applicable. You’ll have to throw in “God,” “Tax cuts,” “Small Businesses,” “Ronald Reagan,” and perhaps a few others I’m forgetting but this more or less will cover the bases.

Time to play Big Speech BINGO! [ATR]

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The New Chief Legal Counsel at the IRS Really Sucks at Burning Bridges

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KPMG, Grant Thornton DC Offices Are Closing at Noon

We heard that it was getting ugly in the Nation’s Capital so we called around to find out what’s what:

• KPMG – “Closing at noon both DC and Tyson’s”

• E&Y – “No word yet”


• Deloitte – “We’re hopeful”

• PwC – “We go by the Federal Government”

• Grant Thornton – Closing at noon.

Nothing like a snow day but a snow day during busy season is an especially welcome event. It’s supposed to get nasty in Philly too but it hasn’t started snowing there yet, so unfortch you’ll probably have a full day ahead of you (out at 3 pm if you’re lucky).

An added bonus is the possibility that the storm could keep you from working the weekend. Unless, of course, you plan on working from home. If this is the case, we advise you to get home safely, set everything down when you get there, take off your coat and slap yourself. Twice. Hard.