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December 3, 2022

Please Join All of Wall Street In Ripping On This Clown Immediately

You know, it isn't often when the worlds of finance and accounting can join together, hold hands and come to agreement on anything. But in the case of this overzealous applicant seeking to break into investment banking, I think we can all agree on one simple thing: this guy is a tool.

This email has seen more forwards than the man and a dog joke back in the dial-up AOL days and once you feast your eyes upon it (if you haven't been forwarded it already), you will instantly know why.

Here's the cover letter in its entirety for your reading pleasure:

1/23/2012

J.P. Morgan

Dear Sir or Madame:

I am an ambitious undergraduate at NYU triple majoring in Mathematics, Economics, and Computer Science. I am a punctual, personable, and shrewd individual, yet I have a quality which I pride myself on more than any of these.

I am unequivocally the most unflaggingly hard worker I know, and I love self-improvement. I have always felt that my time should be spent wisely, so I continuously challenge myself; I left Villanova because the work was too easy. Once I realized I could achieve a perfect GPA while holding a part-time job at NYU, I decided to redouble my effort by placing out of two classes, taking two honors classes, and holding two part-time jobs. That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull-ups.

I say these things only because solid evidence is more convincing than unverifiable statements, and I want to demonstrate that I am a hard worker. J.P. Morgan is a firm with a reputation that precedes itself and employees who represent only the best and brightest in finance. I know that the employees in this firm will push me to excellence, especially within the Investment Banking division. In fact, one of the supporting reasons I chose Investment Banking over any other division was that I know it is difficult. I hope to augment my character by diligently working for the professionals at Morgan Stanley, and I feel I have much to offer in return.

I am proficient in several programming languages, and I can pick up a new one very quickly. For instance, I learned a years worth of Java from NYU in 27 days on my own; this is how I placed out of two including: Money and Banking, Analysis, Game Theory, Probability and Statistics. Even further, I am taking Machine Learning and Probabilistic Graphical Modeling currently, two programming courses offered by Stanford, so that I may truly offer the most if I am accepted. I am proficient with Bloomberg terminals, excellent with excel, and can perform basic office functions with terrifying efficiency. I have plenty of experience in the professional world through my internship at Merrill Lynch, and my research assistant position at NYU. In fact, my most recent employer has found me so useful that he promoted me to a Research Assistant and an official CTED intern. This role is usually reserved for Masters students, but my employer gave the title to me so that he could give me more work.

Please realize that I am not a braggart or conceited, I just want to outline my usefulness. Egos can be a huge liability, and I try not to have one.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,

Tooley McDoucherson

The truly hilarious part about the whole thing is that this assclown felt he had to qualify his entire cover letter with a statement like "I am not a braggart or conceited" when it is fairly clear to the casual observer that he is, in fact, completely self-absorbed and possibly not at all right in the head. Also, if I may, please don't ever use the word "terrifying" in a cover letter unless you are a skyscraper window washing specialist wishing to highlight your ability to handle terrifying heights with ease.

Now, I'm no mathlete myself but did I read that right? "A perfect GPA" and "3.93" in the same sentence? Maybe my math is wrong but as far as I am aware, 3.93 and 4.0 are not the same thing, not even on whatever planet this dude lives on.

The irony of a bunch of douchebag investment bankers laughing at this douchebag should not be lost on you, humble GC reader, but rest assured there is a supreme level of douchebaggery that not even Lloyd Blankfein could muster up and this kid has it. Really, it's a miracle he hasn't been hired by any number of the managers and partners who have been forwarding his cover letter to their colleagues and associates all week.

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