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Let’s Talk About F*cking Your Coworkers

Couple in bed

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! Whether you’re single, attached, or too busy to give a crap about getting laid, today is all about love. Or at least that’s what Hallmark wants us to believe.

Given that love is on everyone’s minds this week, the following article from the NASBA Center for Public Trust couldn’t be any more timely. Forget the foreplay, let’s get right to it.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and the feeling of love surrounds us, rendering us hopeless romantics, even if for just a moment. When you think about your special someone, who is it that comes to mind? If you are currently in a consensual relationship, planning the day can be exhilarating, from coordinating dinner plans to purchasing that extra-large box of chocolates. However, if you have romantic feelings for a co-worker, making your move in a professional business setting can be a bit more complex. Before you approach your crush in the office, please review the below tips.

Let me stop you right there. This article shouldn’t go any further than one word after the above paragraph: DON’T. You ever hear the phrase “don’t shit where you eat?” Most grown adults and their pulsating loins know what that phrase means but for those of you who need things broken down: DON’T FUCK PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH. I mean, do whatever you want but you’re only asking for trouble. There are approximately 7 billion people on the planet, meaning if you’re straight, that’s 3.5 billion potential sex partners, so why the hell would you choose someone you work with?

I mean, we understand why workplace hookups happen. One day you’re at the client site trapped in the closet with just your laptop and workpapers, the next day Becky or Todd starts looking kinda cute and the next thing you know you’re banging it out at the client’s. It happens.

OK back to the NASBA CPT article. Let’s check out these tips, just the tips.

Understand Workplace Policies. The Code of Conduct in your workplace may include variations from your previous place of employment, so be aware of the rules and regulations of your current workplace.

When in Doubt, Speak to HR. If you are unsure of whether sending a care package, romantic note or pursuing an individual is appropriate, do not hesitate to discuss the matter with your HR Department. It is best to air on the side of caution before engaging in any relations.

Do Not Make Someone Feel Uncomfortable. If you decide to ask someone on a date, be sure to give them the space to decline or modify your invitation, if they should so choose. Whether the answer is no or yes, keep your attitude and approach professional. If the answer is no, be sure to respect your co-worker’s wishes and do not ask again.

Think Long Term. Consider whether your love-interest is someone that you can see a future with, or if the attraction is purely chemical. This is important because should the relationship end, you will still see this individual around the office. Be sure that this relationship is worth pursuing prior to making your move.

Good Lord, what kind of awkward weirdo needs advice that boils down to “don’t be a giant creeper” and how did this person make it all the way through college without getting kicked out for inappropriate sexual behavior toward classmates? How bout just leave your colleagues alone and go hump a leg in the real world?

If you absolutely insist on hooking up in, around, and/or at the workplace, just keep in mind that you could end up a Going Concern story one day. But hey, doesn’t matter, had sex.