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Guy Leaves KPMG, Can’t Resist the Urge to Write a Sappy Farewell Email

There are basically three types of farewell emails:

  • rambing, angry, expletive-littered rants (also called the Bridge Burner — a GC favorite)
  • clever bro fist goodbyes that read like press releases
  • dry, try too hard missives written like whatever you wrote in your best friend's yearbook the year you both graduated and went off to college

Of course, there's a fourth type of farewell email: "It's been great working with you all but Friday will be my last day. I can be reached at [email] should you like to keep in touch. Later!" That one, obviously, never makes it way to us because who gives a shit? Just leave, bro.

Well, this soon-to-be-former House of Klynveldian is having a little trouble letting go, as evidenced by the following farewell. Odds are anyone who was "unintentionally" left off the CC list couldn't possibly give less of a rat's ass.

First things first, this Friday, is my last day at KPMG.

I have been thinking about what to write in my farewell message for a couple of days and came up short on anything profound. I am terrible at saying good bye and in this case, more so, since I don't want this to be a "Good bye! It was nice working with you. Hope our paths cross again!" kind of message. (Although you may come to the conclusion that you would have preferred that instead)

You should have stopped right there, dude. You have the awareness to know no one wants to read what you're about to write next and yet you wrote it anyway.

The last two weeks have been incredibly challenging. As each day passed, the more I realized how I am severing my ties to the firm. No more communicator messages from friends, no more emails from my clients, no more emails from Resource Management with my schedule for the next 6 months meticulously planned out, no more emails from our KPMG Business School telling me the classes I need to take to further advance my career. That all just ends. At times, I felt like I was the member of a professional sports team with a team of professionals who were always focused on making sure I was ready for the next challenge. Life was easy for the last four years, in a sense. I don't mean it wasn't challenging, you know that isn’t true. Every engagement presented a new set of challenge. I mean life was easy in a sense as there was a plan in place for as far you could click through on eStars. And to be honest, I am not looking forward to having my weeks unplanned. And surprisingly, it is somewhat scary to see my calendar wide open.

Stockholm Syndrome is real, people. This guy is going to need a serious period of decompression when he is released from the POW camp and returns to normal society.

One of the many things I have learned during my time here is to follow your heart and work with your PML and your core group of advisors in trying to figure out a way to maximize the learning that occurs within KPMG and the kind of experience you have at the firm.

What are you even talking about? Following your heart is the worst possible thing you can do in public accounting. Follow GAAP, leave your damn emotions out this. I bet you cry at those sappy ASPCA commercials too, don't you?

And by no means have I learned it all, far from it actually, and I have not experienced everything KPMG has to offer. But I have come to a point where my heart is telling me to learn skills that are outside the realm of public accounting, or private, for that matter. And with that goal in mind, I am taking some time away from my career to pursue some other interests. Timing just made sense on a personal level. Trust me when I say this, this was by far one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in my life. If there is ever a wrong time to leave KPMG, I bet this would rank pretty highly. I am excited to see the investments that the firm has made over the past few years come into fruition in the near future. Have no doubt that I am #teamKPMG for life!

OK, you could have redeemed yourself up until the point that you wrote this. Almost. Is #teamKPMG even a real hashtag?

Trying to thank everyone than I need to thank is a herculean task and I better pass on that.

Thank Christ you realized how annoying that would have been.

Throughout my years at the firm, I was blessed to have PMLs that guided my path as if they were planning their own careers, partners and managers who truly appreciated and cared, peers that were some of the smartest people that I have ever come across. Thank you! It has truly been a great opportunity to work with you and I sure do hope you reach out to me anytime as if I never left (just don’t try the email). I will be available at [email] and at [phone]. I am also fairly active on social media. It has been a fun four years and I couldn’t have hoped for a better time. Thank you for being part of my experience at KPMG and making it a memorable one!

Dude, this whole paragraph should have been your entire email. How hard is that?

p.s. If you hear that I missed to include someone in this message, please forward this and apologize on my behalf. I am sure I have unintentionally left out a few people.

And I'm sure they are incredibly grateful that you did.

Kids, please stop doing this. Please. No one cares. If you want to send a big long sappy farewell to the one or two people at the firm you will truly miss, great. Better, take them out for drinks and tell everyone else it's been real but I'm out.