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Going Concern Presents: Missed Connections for CPAs

Inspired by a recent New Yorker post filed under Shouts & Murmurs about missed connections for a-holes, we wondered what a special MC section dedicated to public accountants would be like? You know, all those unexpressed desires and dreams of trysts between team members. Or maybe just a special place for people who get aroused by using corny pickup lines on accountants (such as: "Well it is tax season and I would love to give you the chance to balance my books!").

Yes, yes, it's all coming together now!

Subject: Inspector Dreamy

You: a tall drink of water with an eye for detail

Me: the auditor who has a crush on you

What do you say to talking about my workpapers over drinks?

Subject: Secret Admirer

Does anyone actually read these things? Well here goes. I've worked with you for 3 years now, and in that time, I have really come to admire you. Actually, admire isn't the word but after that last firm-wide memo about making suggestive advances toward coworkers, can't be too careful. You don't wear a wedding ring and talk about your cat a lot so I am assuming you're available. What do you say next busy season you let me treat you to a Snickers?

Subject: CPA Exam Eyes

I've seen you at Prometric four times now and I have to say, you have the most beautiful eyes. It was hard for me to focus on my FAR exam, which is probably why I'm taking it for a fifth time next week. If you see this, tell me which two forms of ID I presented you just so I know it's you.

Subject: Working late together

I had already spent 12 hours footing fixed asset schedules; not a good day, to say the least. LOL! Anyway, it was 10 or 11, I don't remember, when you walked in to talk to my manager and I couldn't help but stare at you. I hope you don't mind. The two of you were trying clarify the timing of a weekly status meeting and I was transfixed by your intensity. I don't know maybe my vision was blurry or something. When you left, it was like you were walking in slow motion away from an exploding car, you hair waving due to the imaginary blowback. Next thing I knew, my manager came over and said something to me about "a late night." I hope to see you again on another late night.


Subject: Billable love

I was watching you fill out your time sheet the other day; you went to the bathroom like you always do 35-45 minutes after lunch so I decided to sneak a peek because I'm too shy to talk to you. I see that you spent 0.75 hours on "Diversity Initiatives" and another 0.5 on "Recruiting Planning." You did all this but still managed to spend 9 hours amending a tax return. Your commitment to this firm could be a sign that you're not ready to commit to a person, but if you give me just 0.25 hours, I think I might be able to change your mind. You can charge it to "love."   


Subject: Can I contribute to your comfort?

At the mandatory United Way Campaign meeting you seemed upset. I wanted to walk over to you and say, "Hi. I know $500 seems like a lot right now, but they're right. When you think about it over the course of a year, it's less than $10 a week." To comfort you, I'd be willing to spend $10 a week at Starbucks together.