Last week we presented you with the worst farewell email committed to…err, email. At a shade over 3,000 words, I was forced to submit myself to the Clockwork Orange eye-opener just to get through the damn thing. There were many other objectionable attributes mentioned that we won't rehash here, but I got the sense that the lion's share of you agreed with my contention that it was a sorry excuse for a workplace good-bye, even though I only published less than 10% of the email. As happens from time to time, the subject of our story reached out to us, pleading to have the story removed, realizing the error of his ways. I denied this request because, contrary to popular belief, I do have a few shreds of integrity left. BUT! I did offer the author the opportunity to expand on his story so that we may better understand his motives behind his opus. After a couple polite re-requests, including bribing us with beer, he finally agreed to speak to us at length, which we've presented here:
Going Concern: So, this farewell email. What inspired you to write it? Did you script the videos yourself? Ever consider editing it for length? Did your wife ever wonder what you were doing?
Dude Who Wrote the Worst Farewell Email Ever: Since I wrote the e-mail more than a year ago, I don't know the answer to any of these questions. I am confident that I did not anticipate some slapdick getting ahold of it more than a year later and forwarding it to the only public forum that is read by every public accounting professional under the age of 30. He/she goes on a very short list along with Gilbert Gottfried, any Kardashian, the guy who invented BBW porn, the cop who arrested me in college for pissing in a McDonalds drive through and anyone who has openly disparaged Neil Diamond of people I wouldn't feel bad about pushing down a flight of stairs.
GC: That cop was just doing his/her job. How many people did you subject this thing to?
DWWTWFEE: Again, I can't remember but I suspect less than 50. Certainly somewhere south of the 10,000 or so people that have recently read at least part of it.
GC: Did it ever occur to you that people not read it? I mean, it's like the War and Peace of farewell emails.
DWWTWFEE: I like to think of it as The Notebook of farewell e-mails. Except instead of a little old lady with Alzheimer's, it's a 35 year-old male with stress-induced anxiety and cholesterol high enough to kill any farm animal. And instead of dying at the end, I'm just saying a long goodbye. Although I'm sure that EY would start recruiting from the University of Phoenix before they hired me back, I did like it there. The fact that I have managed to now associate EY to at least two less than flattering mass communications is purely unintentional I assure you.
GC: I'm sure Jim Turley forgives you. Anyway, what was this prank that you pulled on the intern? Spare no details.
DWWTWFEE: I sent the intern to the office to find a box of tickmarks. It was hilarious. (hint: there is no such thing as a box of tickmarks)
GC: You lose points on originality. Any plans for your next farewell email?
DWWTWFEE: It will probably be more of a speech, and if I see anyone recording it I will take their phone/camera and drop it in a pitcher of beer, then that person goes on my shortlist (see above). With regard to the rest of my original e-mail that everyone seems to be so interested in, as you've so graciously pointed out, its long and essentially more of the same. Posting it would only incite more public hatred and would likely crash your server.