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Everything You Need To Know About Blackberry 10 Because We Know You People Are Out There

Editor's note: Greg Kyte has been anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Blackberry 10 like Doomsday Preppers waiting for JC to knock on their door. Unlike the preppers, Greg didn't have to stockpile weapons or get into canning. No, he just needed a tent. Check out his journey on YouTube after reading this week's post.

Believe it or not, there was a time when people were proud to own a Blackberry. That time was called 2008. Back then Blackberry was pretty much the only game in town. By mid-2010 Blackberry's market share slipped to about 30 percent. Now, Research In Motion, the company that manufactures the Blackberry, retains only 4 percent of the smartphone market, and if you own a Blackberry, you probably keep it clipped to the belt that's holding up your mom jeans.

If someone were to find out that you still had a Blackberry, they might bust your balls, but they wouldn't be surprised. Because you're an accountant. As a profession, we're cool like DJ Jazzy Jeff1.
But all that's supposed to change TODAY because today marks the official launch of the new game-changing Blackberry 10. What? You haven't heard anything about it? That's weird.
So this post will answer all your questions about the new game-changing Blackberry 10:
Can I get a new Blackberry 10 today?
No, dumbass. Today is the Global Launch of the new Blackberry 10, not the Global Release of the new Blackberry 10. Pull your head out. They will announce the Global Release during the Global Launch.
What's so great about the new Blackberry 10?
It's great because it's a gamechanger. It's great because it's going to leapfrog Android and iOs. it's great because RIM says it's great.
What new game-changing features are included with the Blackberry 10?
  • Blackberry Hub — Aggregates all of your emails, text messages, and social media conversations in one place. It's like everyone yelling at you all at once, but on your smartphone.
  • Blackberry Balance — Allows users to compartmentalize their work apps from their personal apps. Porn is a personal app.
  • Blackberry Flow — Allows users to switch back and forth between applications without having to go back to the homescreen. Unfortunately there's no "Blackberry Hustle"2.
  • Timeshift Camera — Allows users to unblink eyes in pictures, and allows us to download songs from Blink 181 or less.
  • Keyboard — The touchscreen keyboard will be exactly like the beloved physical keyboard, just without physical keys and it will be a touchscreen. So really, it's nothing like the thing that it's exactly like.
  • Video Calls with BBM — RIM will leapfrog the competition by allowing users to make video calls similar to Skype and FaceTime. So it's not so much leapfrogging the competition, more like trying to sit at the cool kid table with the competition.
  • Blackberry World — Blackberry World (which will replace Blackberry App World) will allow users to access not just apps, but music and other content as well. What other smartphones offer apps, music AND other content?3
  • Multi-Language Recognition — Users can switch between languages in a single text message. Finally I can say "cago en tu leche" and "deine mutter schwitzt beim kacken" in the same text message.
Is Research In Motion going out of business?
No way. Ernst & Young included no going concern language anywhere in its audit report, and we know that businesses only die if their independent auditor gives them permission to die4
Not convinced? Well suck on this: In RIM's fiscal year ending 3/2/2012, it had $5 billion in operating expenses. At that point it also had $7 billion in current assets. They had about $1 billion in inventory, so even after you come to terms with the fact that all that inventory is worthless, RIM can still cover more than a year's operating expenses with its non-worthless-inventory current assets.
Can Blackberry 10 really bring RIM back to life?
It is definitely a possibility. Since everyone had a Blackberry at some point, it's safe and familiar. If they can really get a robust offering of apps and if they can give people features that are standard in other smartphones, then they have a chance. Especially among accountants who appreciate things that are both safe and familiar.
1 I have a Blackberry, but I'm cool more like Wham.
2 It's hard out here for a PHP.
3 All of them.
4 One more way Big 4 firms are like God.