October 23, 2021

Donald Trump’s Accountants Should Quit

Yesterday, shaved orangutan Donald Trump announced that he's running for president. No, not of the local billionaires-only KKK chapter; of the United States.

Yes, the country that most of you currently reside in. President of the United States. It's not a joke.

Well, on second thought, it actually is

During his gold-dusted self-orgy of narcissism, Trump talked about his wealth at length because that's all he likes to talk about. Anyone who was short on toilet paper took a copy of a balance sheet that shows his net worth to be $8.7 billion and some of your brethren worked long and hard to come up with that number: 

He held up a laminated single sheet of paper disclosing his financial particulars, and said, "A large accounting firm, one of the best in the world, has been working for months on this. I saw somewhere they said I had assets of $9 billion. I said 'That's the wrong number.'"

MONTHS, I TELL YOU.

And never mind that Forbes puts his net worth closer to $4 billion; if you're an accountant working for a scary orange oaf, the numbers are what the giant oompa loompa says they are. You do as your told or, I'm sure…ugh…you're fired.  

Now, whoever the accountants at the "large accounting firm, one of the best in world" are, let me just say to you: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you've found yourself in this situation where your work is used by your windbag of a client to measure himself in front of innocent children and grown adults who can't understand that they are being patronized to by a shameless man who only wants some attention from them that he probably never got from his Dad. It's a damn unfortunate situation for you and I just want you to know that we're all sorry you're in it.

So, please, if you have the strength, I ask that you to resign from your posts immediately and dedicate the rest of your accounting days to something more worthwhile which would be, literally, anything. Please do not ignore this plea. It's really the best move for you. You're still accountants and you'll have plenty of opportunities to do meaningful work. 

Again, we're all sorry you're in this position. We hope you'll do the right thing.

[Vice]

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