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Accounting News Roundup: Saving for a Rainy Day or a Lazy Balance Sheet?; Real Whistleblower, Phony Complaints; CFO POTUS | 12.04.15

Corporate Cash Now $2.1 Trillion: J.P. Morgan [CFOJ]
That sum of cash held by non-financial companies in the S&P 500 is greater than the gross domestic product "all but eight countries," according to a report from JPMorgan. Somewhat ominously, the JPM analysts that wrote the report say that all that cash "provides the ultimate downside protection" as if they know something we don't. However, they also admit that companies don't want "a ‘lazy’ balance sheet" which is an interesting way of thinking about it. Get a hobby, balance sheets! 

Uber Is Now Valued Higher Than 80% of the Companies in the S&P 500 [Bloomberg]
Uber's latest round of fundraising gives it a valuation that is greater than the market cap of companies like Dow Chemical, BlackRock, Ford, Netflix, Target, Monsanto, Yahoo and as Matt Levine points out, T. Rowe Price, one of the companies involved in this financing round.

Grievances With Fired Broker Were Written by JPMorgan, Not His Clients [DealBook]
If you like whistleblower stories, here's a doozy, involving Johnny Burris, a former broker for JPMorgan:

Mr. Burris complained in 2013 that JPMorgan was pressuring brokers like him to sell the bank’s own mutual funds even when the offerings from competitors were more suitable. A few weeks after an article in The New York Times about Mr. Burris’s concerns appeared, complaints from some of his former clients in Arizona began showing up on his disciplinary records that are maintained by a regulatory agency and publicly available.

As the article's title suggests, Burris's clients didn't write those letters, including one man who was "essentially unable to read or write." 

PCAOB should follow the lead [Paul Gillis/CAB, Earlier]
Prof. Gillis notes that the judge in the lawsuit between Gucci and the Bank of China has imposed a $50k-per-day fine against the bank to compel them to turn over relevant documents. PG suggests the PCAOB try the same tactic.

Politely Exit an Unwanted Conversation by Giving a Specific Excuse [Lifehacker]
It's the holiday season, so it's inevitable that you'll be having some bad conversations in the coming days and weeks. And since people know you think they're boring when you say, "I'm going to get another drink," maybe come up with something slightly more believable such as, "Would you excuse me? I think might bladder might burst at any second."

In other news:

Image: Jane_Kelly/iStock