“I am not talking about a bribe”

A/P Clerk Would Like to Know How to Best Use $30k to Get a Job with a Big 4 Firm

From the mailbag:

I have been working as a Accounts Payable for 3 years. I don’t want to waste your time of explaining my disadvantages. One of my advantages is money. I have a large savings. I would like to give $30,000 to anyone who get me a job in Big 4. I am not talking about [a] bribe. I wish to know how to use advantages [sic].

Just don’t sit there, give the man some suggestions. All options are on the table. Bonus points for creativity.