Grover Norquist Is Adequately Prepared for Anyone Who Might Try to Burn Washington, D.C. to the Ground

In case you haven’t been paying attention, GOP Taskmaster Grover Norquist takes his Taxpayer Protection Pledge very seriously. So serious in fact that not even a conservative stalwart like Tom Coburn has come under repeated attacks from Norquist and Americans for Tax Reform. So serious that not even our grandmothers’ lives will be spared were terrorists to demand that we raise taxes 1% on the highest earners.

Norquist’s steadfastness has managed to get under a lot of people’s skin including people who thinks he’s a little cuckoo, Democrats and even some guy at Deloitte.

This, understandably, has made Norquist a little paranoid. If someone were able to infiltrate ATR HQ with an army of ninjas, collect all the signed pledges and throw them into an incinerator, how could he continue holding the entire Republican party by their flag-wrapped testes? There would be no tangible proof that these sacred documents were, in fact, signed in front of two witnesses (as is required). Worry not, fiscally frugal readers, Grover is far too smart for that. As the Washington Post reports, GN has taken the necessary precautions to avoid such a catastrophe:

“I keep the originals in a [secret] vault, in case D.C. burns down,” said Norquist, referring to the pledge that his organization asks politicians to sign, vowing to “oppose any and all efforts” to raise taxes. “When someone takes the pledge, you don’t want it tampered with; you don’t want it destroyed.”

So bring your sissy Democrat political operatives, your ink bombs, your pledge-sniffing dogs. You’ll have to do nothing less than sic Jack Bauer on Grover if you want to get your mitts on those pledges. And even if you do, don’t think your grandmother won’t pay the price.

Grover Norquist, the anti-tax enforcer behind the scenes of the debt debate [WaPo]