Please ensure Javascript is enabled for purposes of website accessibility

Let’s Just Say You’re an Ex-KPMG Employee Who Mistakenly Received a Corporate Card in the Mail…

Posted on by Caleb Newquist

Need ideas for working off those busy season pounds? Do you find yourself in a slightly more than average professional predicament? Wonder who would win in a Royal Rumble of Top 10 accounting firm CEOs? We've got answers. Email us. 

So, yesterday, I’m opening my mail and am thrilled to find an envelope from Diners Club International. Inside, of course, I find my newly minted KPMG corporate card, all ready for me to start ringing up charges on airfare to BFE, Ohio, for inventory counts, midnight room service at the local Marriott, and lukewarm group dinners from the nearest 2.5-star Italian restaurant.
 
Seeing that I had been re-upped for a new expiration date 4 years in the future, I could hardly contain my excitement at the thought of spending four more years of my prime cooped up in our clients’ finest janitor closets conference rooms.
 
Then, as if awakening from a nightmare in a cold sweat, I realized that I left KPMG more than 6 months ago.  So, what is this? The well-deserved parting gift I always knew I deserved?  Not likely.  Realizing that (gasp) a world-wide firm which is in the business of sniffing out corporate accounting errors and lapses in internal control had somehow managed to let this egregious mistake go unnoticed, I immediately called 1-800-KPMG-HEL(L) to report this oversight.  Wait. No I didn’t.  I did what any self-respecting former capital markets servant would do—I emailed my former co-workers and told them I’d be hosting an open bar at the establishment of their choice this Friday.
 
One reply to that invite came from another former-KPMG’er who said that he ALSO received his new card yesterday!  Which got me thinking, “Oh, boy. This could get fun.” 
 
So, short story long, I am certain that if this happened to 2 different people from the same (relatively small) office, there have got to be thousands of Diners Club cards going out to ex-Klynveldians nationwide.  Anyone else out there get the same delightful present from good old Uncle Pete?  Depending on the size of the contingent of former KPMG’ers holding a newly issued corporate card, we may be looking at one HELLUVA fun expense-reporting cycle coming up.  Or maybe this is their way of compensating me for all that “unpaid overtime” we’ve been hearing about in those class action suits.
 
Either way, this next drink is poured out to you, Johnny V.
Before we get rolling here, let me just say that Adrienne and I would almost never condone any illegal activity of any kind. You people serve the capital markets! It's important that you do so with the utmost respect for your corporate expense accounts and that all your made up business purposes are, at the very least, plausible. If you don't, well, we know Ernst & Young deals with these people.
 
Now, then. This situation. I tried emailing George Ledwith, the Director of Communications for the firm to see if anyone at the firm had heard about these wayward Diners cards, but I haven't heard back. And for the "pics or it didn't happen" crowd, our tipster did provide us with this: 
 
No, it's not ironclad evidence, but really there's no way to actually confirm that Diners Club cards have been mistakenly sent to several ex-KPMG employees unless 1) you email us and include photos, of course or 2) KPMG actually admits that mistakes were made, returns my email with details on the situation. I think you know what is more likely in this case.
 
If you are an ex-Klynveldian and you did happen to receive one of these little plastic treasures in the mail, I'd encourage you to hide it in a safe place before you have anything to drink today. Then when you wake up tomorrow you'll have one less decision to regret. 

Related Posts

KPMG Reinstating “Standing Ovation” Bonus Awards

Back in November 2008, KPMG suspended the highest level of its Encore bonus award, the Standing Ovation to “manage costs.” Since there is no shortage of exceptionalness at Radio City, the $500 awards were adding up so word came down that it was ixnay the tandingsay vationsoay.

The firm did keep its “Bravo” award that was good for $200 and replaced the five-hundo bonus with a $25 award and “thanks e-cards” that were way better than anything from Hallmark simply because Tim Flynn probably included a personalized message.

And you, simply, cannot put a dollar figure on that.


The most devastating part of the Standing O kibosh was that the trophies — which could easily qualify as a “blunt object” at a crime scene — were no longer handed out. These, understandably, are most coveted of all KPMG tchotchkes.

Well now, according to accountants familiar with the matter, the firm has reinstated the Standing Ovation for reasons that we can only speculate. It will be reserved for those Klynveldians that “go above and beyond” the call of their duties. Again, we can only speculate as to what this actually entails. Considering the fact that the hours you’ve been putting in for the last month or so have been expected, it may just mean that you have to try a little bit harder.

The reintroduction is being received tepidly, as one source told us:

Kinda meaningless to me. They don’t hand them out. Except for managers that want to get laid by younger staff.

Seconded by another source:

Just because they bring them back, doesn’t mean any partners plan on approving them. – “Oh, I nominated you for a standing ovation, but it didn’t get approved! It’s the thought that counts though, amirite?”

Another source saw it as too little, too late:

“Do they really think $500 is going to stop a mass exodus of [people] from leaving? Perhaps they should have thought about that when they didn’t give raises.”

Despite the vague qualifications for the award, it’s good to see TPTB reinstating the bonus for the sake of morale/bribery/empty hope. Now go get yourself one!

KPMG Partner-cum-Poet Resists Urge to Create Verse on His Blackberry

Believe it or not, employees of Big 4 firms possess talents that have nothing to do with elaborate spreadsheets, coffee and bagel consumption or fantasy football.

A perfect example of this would be Arun Kumar, a “battle-tested” partner in KPMG’s Silicon Valley office. Mr Kumar is a poet, who recently published a collection of 39 poems entitled “Plain Truths.” And regardless of his almost certain reliance on his BlackBerry, he manages to set it aside for the sake of his art.

Kumar, a partner at accounting and consulting giant KPMG, knows another kind of poetry. A poetry of nature and relationships, of whimsy and wisdom, a poetry of words that can be written on planes or between planes or in the quiet of the evening, but never, ever, on a BlackBerry.

“A poem, for me, is visual,” Kumar says at his Mountain View office. “Seeing it is quite important, so I can’t imagine — on a BlackBerry it’s not the same.”

So not only is Kumar a man of professional integrity, he also is one of artistic integrity, resisting the eyestrain and temptation to double-thumb inspiring words on to a 2.5 inch screen that may or may not be lost after he drops it one too many times.

But even more surprising (and disappointing) than his commitment to his craft, is Kumar’s ability to avoid penning poems related to his job. “Most [poems] are far removed from his work,” the article states, despite the undeniable muse that is life inside the House of Klynveld.

Arun Kumar, of Silicon Valley s KPMG office, finds poetry on the human side of the ledger [Mercury News]